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She was already on his sofa taking off her top. “I mean, that’s why you responded to my ad, right?” Off came the tee. Down came the shorts. Hmm, no bra. That explains a lot. “Uh, wait a sec, this is all moving too fast - look, just, no, wait! Keep your panties on, jesus!” She paused in mid-motion, manicured nails poised over the waistband of a tiny black thong, and raised her brow into a perfectly arched expression of are-you-fucking-kidding-me. “Are you chickening out?” “No, I just... look, let’s do this in the bedroom.” Way to go, champion. Getting flustered by an 18-year-old virgin. Her expressive face melted into a mixture of annoyance and incredulity. “What is this? A date?” She looked up at the clock impatiently. “Look, I have half an hour left before I gotta run to catch the last train, so I just wanna get this shit over and done with, okay?” He was not one to lose his temper, but anger (propelled by equal portions of embarrassment and indignation) flooded his veins. “Look, I. Um.… Vampire” “are you trying to pull a fast one sis” he said in a loud voiceSo I said” no I’m trying to tell you the truth”It looked like he had be hit with a ton of brick as I said thatHe regained his composure and asked to talk to me in the other roomSo I told Andrew to wait for meAs I closed the door to the room my brother asked me” this cant be true vampires are myths”So I told him that vampire are realSo he said” are you a vampire too” with fear in his voiceSo I replied” well….. Um…..y….yea”He screamed” HOLY FUCKING SHIT” So I told him how Andrew and I had made love and that I was pregnant with his babyHe kept on saying “ oh my god ” over and overSo I told him how I snuck into his room this morning and turned him into a vampireAfter I stopped talking he fainted out cold on the floor As I rushed over to him Andrew said he heard him scream and thought he better help out if he could as he figured I was going to tell him I was a vampire and he was one tooPart 2As my brother.
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I ate some celery last night.’ This is a game that we’ve played ever since I was old enough to talk. It was a long time before I knew he was only fooling. ‘Were you eating celery in bed, Uncle Jim?’ ‘Well, Pat, you know that’s where I eat my celery.’ ‘Did you dip your celery in salt, Uncle Jim?’ ‘I used so much salt that I had to fill my belly button twice.’ Gladys was laughing so loud, she made Mr. and Mrs. French’s dog start barking. When Jackie explained to Betty Lou how Jimmy once told me that God made belly buttons so you could eat celery in bed, Betty Lou started laughing, too. We laughed until every dog in the neighborhood started barking and we had to slap Betty Lou on her back because she laughed until she started coughing. * * * * * * * * * * ‘That was wonderful, Jack,’ Tom said. ‘No one makes a better rib dinner than Jack Messick,’ agreed Louie. ‘Hold it right there!’ Gladys said. ‘You didn’t enjoy your dinner?’ my dad asked her. ‘Of course I did. It was wonderful, but I’m.

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